It's been awhile.

Loganne is already two months old ! Can you believe it? I sure can't. She's so big now, and changes everyday, it's truely amazing.
I already miss her being little haha. But I love seeing her grow and learn. We are starting to notice what she likes and doesn't like. She loves Rise against. (Swing life away is her favorite). And she smiles when we play patty cake with her haha. Actually, she smiles just about all the time. She is such a happy baby. She likes to stand up and jump, and she is starting to hug when you hold her. And she is still working on reaching and grabbing, but she tries hard. = ) She now weighs 11pounds and 9 onces, and is 22 and a quarter inches long. Huge ! She's kind of starting to sleep at night, she will go about 5 hours at a time, and is awake for most of the day looking and learning and talking and playing. She's absolutly the most amazing baby ever.

On the other hand, being a mom certainly is not easy. I'm absolutly exhausted. I don't mean that I need more sleep, I mean that its hard. I hardly sit down, I am forever cleaning, I barely find time to eat and shower, I havn't had a normal conversation with someone since she was born, I miss people, and going out. Me and Kevin have no time alone. And I never get "me" time.
I'm not complaining though. This is supposed to be about challenges along with joys. As much as I love Loganne, and love being a mom, I do wish I could have waited, and had some more time with Kevin, and more time to be young. Alot of people are going to say "oh you can still live your life and be young and do things. Just get a babysitter." But I know what kind of parent I want to be and that means that no, I can't live my life how I would of if I didn't have Loganne. Besides, I'd rather spend my Saturday nights with her, not at the bar, or at some party.

Kevin is being a great dad, he changes diapers, he plays with her, he cuddles with her, and talks to her. It's cute. Loganne is a lucky girl to have a father like him.

Quick update. More later

Loganne was born August 7th, 2011 at 11:12 a.m. She was 6 pounds, 8 ounces and 19 and a half inches long. I did indeed get a epidural thank god, and I sure do love laughing gas !

Since then just about everyone has come to see her, with a few exceptions, but they will visit as soon as they can, and everyone agrees she is a beautiful baby. Obviously I think so too.

I love being a mom. Love love love ! I like the night time feeds cause I get to see her more, I don't mind the diapers cause I'll do anything for her without complaint. She's so cute and cuddly and absolutely amazing. I can't believe I really made her. It's a whole new kind of love I never thought existed.

Me and Kevin are doing great. He's such a proud dad. He looks at her with pure love and adoration. It's amazing. And me and him are getting along quite well. We work good together as a team, and as a couple. I love him and that's not going to change.

I couldn't be happier with a new little family !

Who cares?

I think I'm just about the only pregnant woman ever who's not afraid of labor. I honestly could care less. I'm not living in some fantasy world where I think it's gonna be so easy and fast. I know it will hurt, I know I'll be bitchy and tired. I know I'll just want it to end. And I know the recovery is gonna suck. I've read all the articles and websites. I've watched the horror stories on t.v. And I've listened to person after person tell me how horrible it is...But honestly, it's not like it's going to last forever. Eventually there will be no pain or anything. And besides, it's gonna happen whether I like it or not. I can stress out as much as I want too, but it's not going to change anything. I may have a long difficult labor, or I may have a fast easy one (not likely with my luck)...There could be complications or not. But it's going to happen. I can't control how fast it goes, I can't control the pain ( I don't want a epidural) and I can't control if something goes wrong. So, why bother stressing about it? I figure it's gonna be hard enough, I don't need to stress out and be all worried and just make it worse. I'm going to enjoy the last few weeks of being pregnant and when labor happens then it will happen. I'm not going to sit and wait and stress. That just sounds like a silly idea to me.

la la la la la la la

I am a huge fan of manners, if you look on facebook you'll see I've "liked" manners at least twenty times. I won't do anything for anyone unless I hear a please and thank-you, I always expect someone to say excuse me when asking for something or passing me somewhere. I hate when people reach across the table instead of asking for something and so on. With manners I think it's equally important to just flat out be POLITE to people. What is the point to purposely offend someone? Whether you are doing it on purpose or not, you should be thinking about how the other person might perceive what you are saying, if you don't tihng of how they are hearing you then I think you are just being plain rude.
I have two problems with this.
First is with me, I love to argue. I hate being wrong. I have this remarkable talent to make almost everything sound good in my favor, whether I am right or not. Not only does this offend people, but it makes me look like a know-it-all-bitch. For me everything is a competition. Everything. Who can do the dishes faster? Who can spell the biggest word? Who knows more about the most useless thing in the world? Who has the worst flu?
It's because of this that I fight with almost everyone about everything. I am the first to admit my flaws and I'm not proud of them but no ones perfect right?

That being said I'm truly bothered by something. I may argue everything, but what I am arguing is useless things. "no that looks more blue then green." "backstreet boys are way better then nsync" "no, yellow is not a nice color".
I will NEVER understand how so many people have the balls to argue with a person about their life.
I don't mind the pregnant/new mom advice, when it is from people who have children. But it seems that almost everyone who has tried to give me advice has never been pregnant.
I've been told what the best hair cut is, I've been told how my body will change, I've been told by someone how my body HAS ALREADY changed (they were very wrong, and got angry when I told them that they were wrong.) I've been told how to handle symptoms, and what symptoms are normal and what aren't (according to some people who are "experts" because of how many people they know that have had kids I've had at least five miscarages this pregnancy...) and so much more.
The best part is, usually the people telling me these things haven't seen me or talked to me in a long, long time.
I'm sorry, but I don't care that you know five hundred and three people who have been pregnant, who have children, or how many times you've babysat you're little brother or sister. If you have not been pregnant yourself then there is absolutely no advice you can possibly offer me or any other pregnant woman. If you know when it's normal for a breast to start leaking, that's great. Now tell me how many times I got up to pee last night. I find it absolutely rude, inconsiderate, and annoying for anyone to think they know better about my life and my pregnancy then I do. It's almost sickening that I've been argued with over the heat. "oh no sweetie, pregnant women don't have any difference from normal people. Just go sit in the shade and have a nice glass of lemonade." Makes me want to squirt lemon juice in their eye. No, you don't have all the answers, no, soaking my feet is not going to make the swelling go down, no, my tummy is not going to shrink back to normal size immediately after I give birth, and no, the clothes at the stores I used to shop at do not fit me. For alot of reasons.

uhg. I'm so cranky....

Wholey jesus

When you count weeks you don't really realize how fast things are going. Forty weeks seems like forever. twenty is still alot. Even ten. So when I looked at my calendar to mark a dentist appointment it was a huge shock to me to see that my due date is next month. Not only that but this month is half over.
I started scrambling.
Myself and Kevin moved into a different room in our house, which I'm more then sure kick started labor.
I lost my mucus plug, and baby L dropped, and I have had not one but two contractions. They've stopped so I'm not overly worried. And my water has not broken, but things are definatly  progressing now.
Everyone has been saying my whole pregnancy "just wait, soon you will want her out, soon you will hate being pregnant"
But as my due date gets closer I want her to stay in there more and more. Not just because I like being pregnant, but because I'm simply not ready.
We still have a few things to buy, our room is far from being cleaned and organized for her, our car is filthy, my hospital bag is not packed, the diaper bag is not packed, my house is not cleaned, I truly don't believe Kevin has fully realized that there is a baby coming, and mainly - I'm just not ready. I'm young and scared and never thought I would be having a baby at the age of twenty. But never the less it is happening and fast. Whether I'm ready or not she is coming. As terrified as I am, I'm excited too. I want to hold her and love her and take care of her. I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the best mom I can for her. I know I'll never win mom of the year or anything, but if she is happy and safe, I'll consider myself successful.

I love being pregnant.

I went to the doctor today. I love going to my appointments. They are always so eventful. I arrived, pee'd in my cup, then bumped into someone on the way out of the bathroom and they got mad that I was holding pee and bumped into them. It was closed so it didn't spill. I found it hilarious. Then the student doctor put that cold jelly stuff on my belly to listen to the heartbeat and L gave the spot a good swift kick. The student doctor was holding her phone in her hand to time the heart beat and was surprised when L kicked the monitor and her oh so pretty iPhone went flying. Also hilarious. I love my little girl. Then I was measured. I'm measuring for 33 weeks. I know that doesn't really mean much but I think it's exciting because I'm convinced she's going to come a week and a half early. Then me and Dr. Cusano talked about how to stay cool and how annoying those darn braxton hicks contractions are. He apparently hates them just as much as I do. The only downside to my appointment was that whenever I leave there I wonder if I'm mature enough to  have a baby. Every time they say "vaginal birth" I giggle.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about how much I love being pregnant. So I'll get to that.
I get asked about 500 times a day "how are you feeling?" "are you doing alright?" or a good one is "I know it's tough but soon she will be here and you won't have to be pregnant anymore"
When I say I really love being pregnant and I don't want it to be over peoples reactions change. They say things like "I hate people like you who have easy pregnancies or think it's so joyful" or "how could someone LIKE being pregnant?!" Of course they are joking. But no one ever seriously asks me why I like it.
I've had a "complicated" pregnancy, you'd think I'd be absolutely miserable the way things have gone. Maybe I am crazy, but I like all the misery. Lol. I like it because every time I get sick, or a pain, or anything at all, it's a reminder that I'm making a beautiful little girl who I get to spend the rest of my life watching grow and laugh and live. It's bittersweet I guess, more sweet then bitter though. I love L enough that I am willing to go through  all the pregnancy symptoms for her. And I'm willing to do anything for her for the rest of my life without complaint. The way I look at it is, if I'm doing it for her, then it can't be that bad. Whatever makes her happy and healthy makes me happy too.

Relationships.

If you know me well, you know that there's not many people I choose to keep company with. I do not get along well with most people at all. This is for a few reasons - I'm hard to take. I say exactly whats on my mind and that's not always what people want to hear. I get nervous easily and I say and do stupid things that I normally wouldn't say or do. And last, I tend to keep to myself for the simple fact that I find most people to be idiots and annoying. Because of this I don't have many friends - which is fine with me - but that also means I haven't had much support through out my pregnancy. Actually I've had almost no support. When I first found out I was pregnant I was sure that my friends and family would be supportive in every way possible. I was worried about the pregnancy symptoms, but not the people. Things have gone completley opposite then I thought. I don't mind the sickness or the pain or the sleepless nights or having to pee ever half hour, sometimes I actually kind of like all those things.
The people I know have made my pregnancy difficult.

I am not in any way trying to complain about the people in my life. I love all of you. But this blog is about every aspect of my pregnancy, and I'm going to be completely honest.

When you get pregnant it does not mean you are pregnant. It means everyone around you suddenly feels they have the right to tell you how to live life. You are carrying their grandchild/niece/god child/best friends baby. It is now their business what you eat, how much  you sleep, your finances, your relationship with the father, everything.
I've been lectured for eating subway, for going to bed late, for buying baby things at certain stores, for "using Kevin for his money", for not excersizing enough, for not getting enough rest - I was even lectured for being excited to find out the gender of my baby.
I had met Kevin's family one time before I got pregnant. To be honest I probably should of been a little more sober for this meeting. But what's done is done. It's not easy to tell someone you are pregnant, especially when you hardly know them. I was convinced everyone was going to think I'm a whore, or using Kevin, and I was once asked if I tried to get pregnant because I thought he was going to leave me (defiantly not the case)
I'm no idiot. I know when a person has a problem with me. Usually it's pretty clear why too.
I'm not only pregnant with Kevin's baby. I've taken away Kevin's life as he knows it. He will never have the same amount of freedom, his money now goes to baby things, instead of going out or buying things for himself, he has alot more responsibility then he's ready for, the list goes on. There's also a no drinking rule in my house, which alot of people don't understand. Since I got pregnant Kevin life has changed drastically. And I know his friends and family see this. Of course there are people he knows that are excited for this baby, and who have no problems with me at all. But there are some who have seem to forgotten that I have given up just as much as Kevin, and I did not get myself pregnant. No one has forced Kevin to stick around. It's his choice, and I seem to be being punished for it. I feel bad for Kevin having to give up his life to have a baby so young, but I also know how excited he is, and once again - I did not get myself pregnant.

As for my family and friends. I don't even know where to start. In my family I am not supported - I am gossiped about. I didn't even get the chance to tell my Grandma I was pregnant. As soon as one person found, they were on the phone with everyone else talking about how I am "knocked up" and "the poor baby". And my friends? I don't have any anymore. Everyone far to busy partying to call me. Or they don't like my "pregnancy hormones". (which is what they call it when they say completely bitchy to me and I get mad, like asking me to get my boyfriend to knock them up so he will buy them a car)

Because of these things, I am not having a baby shower. I'm not going to go out and celebrate my 21st birthday when I'm done being pregnant. I'm not going to have alot of people come see the baby and bring me gifts. And I'm fine with all of this. All it means to me is that me and Kevin are going to do this by ourselves, which we have been and are perfectly happy, and to be honest, we got pregnant. not everyone else. So I don't feel like I need anyone's support anyway. = )


There are of course people who have been nothing but kind, generous and supportive of me and Kevin, they are the grandparents, Kevin's sister in-law. my older brother, and one of Kevin's friends.
That list isn't excluding anyone, those are just the people who have gone out of their way to make me feel comfortable.

Intro.

I'll introduce myself - I'm Amber, I'm 20 years old, I got pregnant after being with my boyfriend for only 5 months, I still live with my mom - as well as my boyfriend, and my two brothers, I'm still in school, and I am expecting the arrival of my first child on August 28th 2011.

Although I'm excited to have my little girl, and to be a mom, I certainly did not plan for this at such a young age - or even at all. I'm not sure who exactly I'm writing this blog for really. Maybe it's for my friends and family, maybe its for me, maybe I'm hoping for my little girl to see it one day, or maybe its just because I'm bored. Point is I'm doing it, and maybe someone will find interest in it.

I guess I'll start with a little bit of a story through my pregnancy so far. I was taking birth control to prevent pregnancy. I took the pill properly and never missed a pill. I was almost 2 months late before I finally went to the doctor and got a positive pregnancy test. That was January 9th. I went straight to Kevin's house (my boyfriend) and just flat out told him. I've never seen a man turn off a Xbox so fast. All I heard from him for the next two weeks was "I'm not ready for this". Obviously his first choice was abortion - I'm incredibly grateful and blessed to have found a man to support me no matter what my decision was - even if it was not his first pick. The next day I told my mom. Once again I just flat out said it. She told me there wasn't enough room in the house for me and a baby - I told her she can't expect me to give up my baby because she should know how much it hurts. Of course i regret saying that. I'm sure she regrets saying what she said. But what's done is done. I then threw up and she didn't talk to me for a month. Things could of gone a little smoother.

Let me just say that I did not decide to keep the baby immediately. I am and always have been very against abortion - my belief is that if you are not mature enough to either raise a baby, or choose adoption, then you are not mature enough to be having sex in the first place. I did however very much consider adoption. For a while I was convinced that was the best choice. I'm not sure when or why I decided to keep her. But I did. And I'm very convinced it is the right choice for her, myself, and Kevin.

Fast forward a few weeks and Kevin tells his family, of course they freaked out a little bit. but within hours I received a facebook message from his mom telling me it's not such a bad thing. I kept that message. It's special to me. My mom started talking to me again during this time. Other then that things were uneventful as far as pregnancy goes. Just the nausea, fatigue, hunger, etc.

That's enough for today - I'll write more later = )