December 2012

Youll have to excuse my typos today as I am using my tablet and its a pain in the butt to type on.

Anyway. its the end of december and as you all know this was the first month of my 13 month goal. this month was focusing on thinking people are less stupid and trying to see the good in them more. i am sure you can all imagine from my wording that this has not gone overly well.

on the plus. ive figured out why i have such trouble seeing the good in people.  its because people really ARE that stupid. im a very intuitive person. ive never liked someone and they turn out to be crappy. ive never disliked a good person. i know when someone is shit and most people are shit. its not a matter of i dont like anyone at all. if that were the case i wouls be single and have no friends.  im impeccably good at picking out a liar, i know when someone tries to hard to be perfect, i despise when people are cocky, and i know when someone is a people pleaser. and those are the worst. ive just described about 95 percent of the world. and thats why i cant see the good in people, because i am ABLE to see the stupid.

ive said it before and ill say it again. im not perfect. never will be. which is why i have such a small group of friends. i hang around people like me. we can all openly tell eachother when we are being dumb or wrong or a bitch and move on. nothing gets held back and no feelngs get hurt. its real. ill say whats on my mind and it drives me nuts when people pout about it. 

im not saying im better or smarter then other people here. im just different. everyone is different. and if everyone wants to go through life being "fooled" by people trying to be perfect then that is awesome for them. but i chose to live a different style.

so, in conclusion. i did not complete my goal for the month. but i dont think i failed. i just learned. i learned why i see people how i do and why i dont get along well with some people. i learned that i dont need to see the good in people because if there is bad then i dont want them in my life anyway. i learned to trust myself. and i learned to be more confident in my choices towards people (which falls into month 13...double whammy !)

all in all im still bitter. but i appreciate myself and my friends and family more. id LOVE to write more about this but like i said, tablet.

side note - after i write these this i usally get a few questions from all of you. id like to do a ask and answer post. all questions will be posted as anon. and if you have any topics youd like me to write about let me know ! till next time folks...

Homeless people.

Something I am quite passionate about is homeless people. Having been there myself, I am very aware of how awful people can be to someone without a home. I'm not sure why people think they have a god given right to treat someone like crap just because they don't have a bed to sleep in, but it is ridiculous.  Now I'm not saying everyone should jump off their couch and go give the first person on the streets they see twenty bucks, but a little bit of compassion can go a long, long way.

Picture this. It's December, Christmas is coming up, it's -30 degrees outside, and by some odd chance someone was feeling generous and gave you a couch to sleep on for one night. Their house is on the edge of the down. Come morning you have to leave, you have no money, no clothes, and most likely you don't even have a wallet with i.d. You know the closest homeless shelter, or food bank is downtown, which is a 6 hour walk from where you are. You have three options, you can illegally hop on the transit system, risking the chance of a ticket you can't pay, which would mean you get to have a warrant for your arrest, go to jail, and have a criminal record. You can walk downtown, get frost bite, and have no idea if the place you are going even has room for you. Or you can ask some strangers for some change to either get something to eat, or hop on the train and get where you need to go. Most likely you're gonna ask someone for the change. 9 out of the ten people you ask are going to tell you to get a job, give you a dirty look, or yell at you. That tenth person is going to lie and apologize and say they don't have any change on them. You are now stranded, left with two horrible options, and feeling like a disgrace. Your embarrassed  shamed, depressed, and worst of all, cold and hungry. And believe it or not, if those 9 people would have just been nice to you, you're day would have been turned around. They didn't have to give you money, but hope that the human race is able to treat others with respect.

Granted, not all homeless people are really just looking for some help, or someone to be nice. Sure alot of them are looking for that next high, or bottle of booze. But how do you know ? And frankly, they arent going to be doing drugs and passing out on your couch. You don't know what just happened in their lives. And they are going to be spending that night on the streets, that bottle of booze is going to help take the edge off. I don't really support giving anyone money for alcohol or drugs, what I'm saying is, just be nice. Theres no need to call anyone disgusting, or yell at them for begging for money. You don't know that the person who looks like a crack head hasn't cleaned up and is just looking for some help. You have no idea how hard it is to get out of the homeless situation.

Get a job? Good advice....This guy has to find a place to shower, shave, be able to afford new clothes, travel to places that he is going to apply too, make and print a resume, and then keep up the effort day after day until he gets a job. Then he has to keep it up until he gets a few pay checks and is able to afford a place to live, THEN he has to provide references from past landlords...(wait? past landlords? this guy was homeless) All of this is very easy to type, but incredibly hard to do. Yeah sure, some people are able to do it, in fact, ANYONE can do it, given they are determined enough. Unfortunately  given their current situation, they probably feel like giving up before even starting.

It's not your job to help all the poor people in the world, it's not your job to tell them how to fix their situation. You aren't going to open your home to these people who need a hand, so why do you think it's okay to call them bums? To tell them they are lazy? To refuse them the right to eat something? It's so easy to judge them while you are sitting in your warm home after having a big meal.


Okay okay. Right now your all saying "but amber, theres a ton of resources for people who need help, theres homeless shelters, theres offices to help with resumes, theres places to go to get food, to get set up in affordable housing." Sure are. Generally, the wait for affordable housing is about 7 years. And all those resources  well how did you hear about them? The internet ? T.V? Maybe someone you work with? Do these sound like things a homeless person has at their disposal? Can you ramble off the names and addresses for places to help homeless people? I sure can't. And fact is, most of these people don't even know where to start to find a place like this. You can think with common sense, homeless people usually don't. Not because they are stupid, because they are overwhelmed. So much wrong has happened in their lives, and they are so scared, that they are usually unable to figure out where to start. I've never heard a homeless person ask me for fifty bucks, or if they can move into my house. But I don't think it's a stretch to give them those two dimes in my pocket. Or donate to a food bank, or at least say "no, sorry I can't help. But good luck"


I'd love to see some of you live on the streets for a week. You're entire view on life would change.

End. Rant.

Offensive.

As of tomorrow I will be starting my 13 month better myself goal. Which means I'm going to make a effort to be nicer to people. SO before I start, I'm going to let out all my rude, offensive, insensitive opinions.

To parents :
I do not care if your baby is a week old, or 30 years old. You do NOT know every single thing there is about parenting. It just annoys people when you post constant pictures and explanations about how to do things. Yes we all know not to put windex in our kids food. We are all aware that babies go in car seats. We get it. Shut up about it. Also, YOUR way of parenting is right for YOU. Doesn't make it right all together. Stop forcing your parenting beliefs down others throats.


To people offering me repetitive parenting advice.
It is no secret that I do not take advice well, I do ask for advice from time to time but other then that, I'd rather not receive it. Usually I have no problem shrugging it off and ignoring you, but when it is repetitive things I get annoyed. Loganne is almost 16 months old, if I've never taken your cry it out advice, I'm not going to start, If I havnt taken your cloth diaper advice, or your baby food advice, your breast feeding, formula, teething tips, whatever else advice, I'm not going to. Stop bringing up the same shitty ideas over and over again. Once is enough. Drop it.

KEVIN and MYSELF are Logannes parents. US and only US are responsible for raising her, WE get to make the choices for her. You don't get to have a say in how I dress her, what I feed her, what I do with her, what I teach her, when I put her to bed, how I handle situations. etc. It is none of your concern. And frankly, no one even has the right to ask us how we do things, unless asking for advice. If you are part of our lives your only role is to enjoy her, laugh with her, play with her, spoil her. Not raise her. IF you want a child to raise, have your own.


Less parenting, more life -

Weight issues.
Anyone who has ever eaten with me has asked how I stay so skinny. It's not rocket science. Look at my plate. I have mostly salad on it. I don't eat desert. And I don't sit on my ass all day and eat cookies. If you wanna lose weight stop eating like a overweight person. You don't need to make a cake just because. You shouldnt be eating a tub of ice cream at nine o clock at night. And mcdonalds shouldn't happen every day.I get up. I move. I eat healthy. If you are sitting in front of me eating a bag of chips and complaining about how your pants are too tight, I will have no sympathy. Know why it's so hard to lose weight? Cause people try too hard to do it. You all go on these crazy diets and start insane excersize programs and get tired of it in a month. You don't have to join a gym and live off lettus. You can just get up and clean your house and eat a chocolate bar, just don't go crazy. 90 % rule - be healthy and active 90% of the time. Cheat and be unhealthy and lazy when you want to. Just not every freaking day.


Facebook
K. you're having a bad day. Fine. Call or text someone. You don't need to alert 900 people that someone just sneezed on you. Fuck. I hate facebook. I'm on it to share Loganne updates with her family. Other then that it's just a bunch of whiney people looking for sympathy. No one really cares that you don't want to work this weekend. I post things like how tired I am or something, and guess what, it gets no comments or likes, cause NO ONE CARES. Facebook is not your therapist. If you have something to complain about, I'm sure you have a friend or family member to talk too. If you don't then you need to get off facebook and go meet someone. Also - yeah yeah yeah. Kids are being bullied and animals are being abused. WE KNOW. Go do something about it, posting it on facebook isn't doing anything.


Self obsorbed people.
Yes. Everyone likes to talk about themselves and their kids. I do, you do, EVERYONE DOES. But that doesn't mean thats all you should talk about. Really, I don't care if you have a stuffy nose and your baby just smiled for the hundredth time today. I'll talk about you and your kid for a while, sure. I like to know whats going on in my friends lives. But every. single. day. all. day. is way too much. Theres other things in the world to talk about. And by the way, after I listen to four hours about what your kid did today, it's manners to ask about mine.



This one is EXTRA harsh.

If you are looking for kevin, wondering about kevin, wanting to make plans with kevin, have something to say to kevin, speak to kevin. I'm not your mediator. If you want me, then talk to me. But I'm not here to relay messages to kevin. Also - If I do something you don't like, remember this. Say it to me. You don't need to be texting/messaging kevin about me. Trust me. I have no problem "resolving" any issues you have with me.


Me being nice to you is a honor. Don't abuse the priviledge. If I find that you have said something about me, or treat me in a disrespectful way, do not be suprised and play victim when I am a total cunt to you.


Mind games.
I am very familiar with the "he said she said" talk behind your back but play nice to your face kind of games. It's a part of everyones life whether you want to admit it or not. I don't play these games. But if you want to start a game, I will play it better. Fair warning.


I've been extremely nice to people lately, more so then I should be. Lately I've taken alot of shit and I'm not thrilled about it. My next 13 months is about being nicer to people and being a better person. This blog post is so I can absolutely PISS OFF anyone who I should not have involved in my life, so you can all be offended and go away. If you so chose to stick around and I have offended you, then you are more then welcome to message me about this and we can absolutely go through every point I have made until we can hopefully resolve whatever issues there may be. Other then that, I'm done being nice to people who do not deserve it.

Ambition.

It's quite often that I have days when I'm all like "woah man. life altering thought. I'm gonna change everything about myself and be better !" Then a few days go by and I'm like "eff it." WELL THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT.

At one point in time I was all bubbly and friendly and loved everyone....most of you are laughing right now but I swear it's true haha. Why I changed isn't important, the fact is that I changed. While I am impeccably happy with the person I am, I also enjoyed qualities about myself that I used to have. So over the course of this next year I am going to try to implement some of those old qualities. I'm not really going to "change" things about me - as that is not my goal. I'm more looking to enhance the good things about myself and make them more apparent to others. I will do this month to month. Since it is only November right now I will do a 13 month timeline. The goals shall go as followed

December of 2012 - I will ATTEMPT (this is capitalized because this is going to be a incredibly difficult thing for me to do, but it must be done before I am able to move on.) to stop focusing on how stupid people are and try to concentrate on the good things about each individual.

January of 2013 - Less sarcasm. This goes with the previous month, I will continue to use sarcasm as a form of good humour, I will be using it less in the form of making fun of people.

Febuary of 2013 - Another difficult one, as I am torn on how to accomplish this goal. As you all know I am an incredibly opinionated person, and I openly voice those opinions whether people want to hear them or not. I was not born this way, it's something I acquired throughout my life, and at certain points in my life it was absolutely vital that I voiced each and every opinion I had, now it's a way for me to fight with people as my opinions very rarely match other peoples opinions. My goal is this - I'm not going to change my opinions, I'm not going to stop voicing my opinions. But I am going to to hold back some opinions that I know will offend some people (an example is my opinion on abortions, it's a touchy subject, and if I know it will hurt someone or cause an argument I will simply hold back from blurting it out.)

March of 2013 - Argue less. The best way for me to describe my reasoning for this one is I like to be right. So if I can argue any point you make so I can be right, I will argue it. I'd like to stop this habit  I need to learn to let-go of winning everything and just be comfortable with whatever people think or say.

April of 2013 - This may not make sense to alot of people, but I am going to start being mean. It doesn't always come across this way but often I feel the need to make sure everyone is happy, so I go out of my way to do things for them I don't really want to do. In other words, I'm going to say no alot. This is will be a drastic change for me as it's in my nature to generally go with the flow, which has been fine and usually is a good quality to have, but lately people have been walking all over me. When I say no, I mean no folks. This is not a goal I wish to keep forever, but I do need to implement it in my life. After I've accomplished it I will then work on finding a happy in-between.

May of 2013 - Talk less do more. I genuinely want to be more involved in worlds issues, I often say I want to donate to a cause, or volunteer for another cause. My goal for this month is to actually do it - not just say it.

June of 2013 - Talk more, do less. I need to figure out how to stop acting the most smart, the most funny, the most caring, etc. I want to talk more to show how I really am smart, and funny and caring and all that other good stuff. If I'm acting a way that people don't understand it doesn't do much good. But if I can make them understand things about me with my words, then I feel I'm moving in the right direction.

July of 2013 - Get more excited about things. the words "have to" show up in my vocabulary alot. "I have to put loganne to bed. I have to go grocery shopping. I have to check the mail." All incredibly simple things that most people would never think twice about - but the fact is these things are all I have in my life as a stay at home mom. Maybe something good will be in the mail. I GET TO cuddle with loganne till she is asleep. I get to go and pick out delicious things from the grocery store. Life should be fun, not a list of things I can't get out of.

August of 2013 - This is my birthday month, so I've decided to use this month to be less greedy. falling into the month of May, I'd like to do things such as ask people to give money to charities for my birthday, I want to compliment others more and make them feel special, and focus less on what it is I want.

September of 2013 -  Back to school month. At this point in time (i mean right now) It's hard for me to focus on my career and educational goals, because money is tight and I have a young daughter and because kevin is in school. In September it is unrealistic to say I'll be done my school and working. But I want to have every plan and detail worked out for when I am able to start that part of my life.

October of 2013 - I want to use this month to find ways to improve my relationships with people, whether it is already a good relationship or not. Ie Kevin,  my mom, my mother and father in-law, my brothers, and old friends of mine.

November of 2013 - Stop fixing things. I'm awful to bring a problem too because I need to fix it. I've never had the type of life to sit and just complain about something. I've always been in situations where I needed to fix it. I don't want to fix things anymore - the worlds problems are not MY problems.

December of 2013 - The final and most important month. I left this for last because at this time, it is the last goal I have for myself, and it is not limited to December of 2013, I hope this quality will go on through out my life, even if the others disappear again. I want to be more comfortable with me.  I don't mean my body, or my clothes or anything like that, just in general as a person. I want to be happy with choices I make. With activities I do, things I eat, things I say, and everything else amber related. In other words, be more confident.


This is alot to cram into 13 months. And I'm incredibly stubborn, so to think I can accomplish these things in a month each is a bit of a stretch. I've timed these things in the months they are in so I can carry-on these qualities throughout the year and years to come. I don't want to promise myself to lose weight or quit smoking or something like that, that no one ever succeeds in. I want to really better myself beneath the surface and ultimately be the type of person I want my daughter to be. I welcome all to join me on these upcoming months and try to implement some of these changes in yourself as well.

Short, about smoking DOPE

I'm sure its not just me who see's people posting pro-marijuana things alllll the time. It's on facebook. Twitter. Youtube. Whatever other websites. My friends do it. People in my family do it. Strangers on the street do it.
Oh, I'm not talking about the act of smoking marijuana, I'm talking about justifying smoking marijuana.

I get it, you all want pot to be legalized. You think it's so great. And nothing bad has ever come of smoking pot. Blah. Blah. Blah, before I go on, I wanna say your hundred million gazillion posts on facebook aren't doing anything, aside from annoying me. Go like protest or something...outside, away from the computer. K thanks.

Anyway, back to the point.
For a example, my younger brother is a prime example of this particular group of people. The "yay lets all go smoke a joint and have our cancer cured cause pot is so wonderful" kinda people. The "we can all get along if we just giggled and smoke outta our bong" type of people. And of course  The "nothing bad has EVER come from smoking pot. It's so good for you !" kind of people. Shhhuuuttttt uuuuppppp.

I'm sure by now just about everyone has heard of this recent study the wonderful university called Harvard has done. If not, I'll enlighten you. Harvard has completed a study done on mice, that showed that tumours have been reduced from the use of marijuana. No where does it PROVE that it will reduce tumours in humans, or remove them, but whatever. I'll humor everyone and go along with this. Prior to this study, marijuana has been used to reduce pain for medical reasons. Just a fyi. At this point I will throw out there that I don't smoke pot, I have ofcourse attempted it, never much liked it, and there for don't do it. I have not spent my life researching it, trying to make it sound good or bad, honestly, i could not care less if you smoke it or not. But I do think if you are going to engage in any activity, you should know the facts.

1) Marijuana has been PROVEN to cause testicular cancer, particularly in young men ( obviously men, but yeah, more young then old) ... At least the mice have smaller tumours.

2) Lung cancer. Oh yes. It certainly has been PROVEN to cause lung cancer. It's not a matter of if either folks, much like cigarettes, it's a matter of when. Don't bother arguing this. I am well aware that after quitting smoking your lungs return to pink and blah blah blah, doesn't mean lung cancer isn't happening in 50 years.

3) Weight gain. Obviously. Btw, I don't know many people who "munch" on celery after lighting up that bowl. So I'm gonna throw diabetes into this mix

Most importantly,

 4) Brain damage. Seriously guys. It happens. Not to everyone, in fact it's rare. but it happens. I guarantee you can walk into any hospital, and go onto any psych ward, and there is AT LEAST one person who has never smoked a cigarette, drank any alcohol, or done any drug, and has ONLY smoked marijuana and is now sitting like a vegetable  Not laced, just plain old pot. Not a excessive amount. But not a joint a year either. It happens people.

On that note, I'm positive I have missed alot. I'm sure I will be informed of many benefits of pot. And I'm sure every point I have made will be argued. But seriously people, it IS illegal for more reasons then taxes.


also - I'm just gonna add. It smells really bad. And is a useless cost of money.


ps - I get paid if ya'll click those adds on my blog. KAY THANKS !

Some people I tell ya.

I do not know what the sudden epidemic is with people thinking you HAVE to be a certain age to have children, but it is pissing me off.

Over the last few days I have seen way to many status' on facebook saying things like "thank god I don't have kids"
"Am I the only one our age with no kids yet"
"Having kids before x age is throwing away your youth"


LIKE SERIOUSLY GUYS?!

Maybe I'm just dumb, or maybe just no one told me, but I had NO clue that you have to be a certain age to have kids. I know some people who got pregnant at 15 and are amazing parents. I also know some 40 year old moms who probably shouldn't be around any kids at all. Whether you plan to get pregnant or not is irrelevant. Personally, I am way happier being a mom, then I ever was before I got pregnant.

Youth? really? thats your excuse? I know I wake up everyday EXCITED to play with my daughter. In my mind waking up hungover is not enjoying your YOUTH. I enjoy my youth by being able to run around and actively play with Loganne. When I go to bed at night I'm excited to wake up and see her beautiful face, I don't think about what embarrassing thing I did while I was drunk. I never wake up to a stranger and think "what have I done". I don't grit my teeth and suffer through a week just to go to a bar on a friday night. I enjoy every day I have, I have a sense of fulfilment, I get rewarded everyday by hugs and kisses and pure love. Every day I live is filled with laughter and love. I'm young, but I'm young enough to know I'll be dancing at my grand childrens weddings, I know I'll have enough energy to walk Loganne to school. I'm young enough to enjoy a large amount of Logannes life. When I look back to when I'm twenty something, I'm gonna remember how happy I was when Loganne took her first steps, and said mom for the first time. I'm not gonna think about how I can't remember anything because of that bottle of booze.

As for everything else, I get to go to the zoo now, I get to trick or treat again, I get to build snow men and go skating, I get to go swimming and spash in puddles. How is that for being young? Think being a parent is all sitting at home doing nothing? I get to go out to dinner and movies with a man I LOVE. Not someone who's around for sex. Sure, you're all young. But I promise you are not living life to the fullest, not yet. 

Being a parent is right for ME. It's right for alot of people.
Going out to the bar, and sleeping in till noon is right for alot of people too.

Having kids at 18 is right for some, having kids at 35 is right for some, and never having kids at all is right for some.
Just cause you don't understand why people make the choice to have kids at a young age, doesn't mean its the wrong choice. It's just not right for YOU.
I'm so sick of people acting shocked at how many young people have kids.
I'm even more sick of people thinking they are better then someone, because they have "made it" to a certain age without having a kid.
Not a proud accomplishment guys.

If you don't like the idea of having a kid at your age, then don't do it. It's just that freaking simple.
I would never sit and push someone to have a kid at my age, but I find it down right rude to say having a kid before 30, or whatever age you come up with, is a mistake. Your youth may involve partys, and road trips, and camping. My youth involves enjoying Logannes life. I still get to do everything someone with out kids does, I'd just rather be at home with my baby.
And to be honest, because I am a mother now, when I do go out and do things like camping and bars and such, I probably enjoy it alot more then someone without kids.


END FRIGGEN RANT

One year.

In one week Loganne will be one year old, I havn't had much time to write in this, as you can imagine. Mostly all you need to know, is I am still as excited to have her as the day she was born. I can't believe how faast this year has passed, and how lucky I am to be able to watch this amazing little girl grow and learn. But I can't help but think of the next year, and the many years to come. That being said, I have a few things to say, not to any of you, though I welcome you to read, but mostly to myself, and Loganne. Even if she may never read this.



Dear Loganne, 
You're first birthday is approaching sooner then I had hoped. I can think of a million mistakes I have made already, and I know there will be a million more. I'll never know how to do everything right when it comes to parenting, but there are somethings I can try to do to make you're life more fulfilling

I promise to put a band aid on every cut, and kiss every owie. I promise to not send you outside to play, but to play with you as often as I can. I promise to miss every party, and every work function, to tuck you in at night. I promise to cuddle you when you're sick, and make you laugh when you're sad. I promise to hold you're hand when we cross every street, and always make sure you wear your seatbelt.
I promise to teach you manners, how to read and write, your alphabet, and how to count - even backwards. I promise to stay up late to help you with your homework over and over again. I promise to teach you to work hard, and be honest. I promise to show you that being strong, can also mean having fun. I promise to respect you and you're opinion, and I promise to teach you to respect what I say. I promise to give you a unreasonable curfew, so you can be up for school in time. I promise to let you be angry with me, when I need to stand my ground. I promise to be fair with every punishment, and I promise to always explain why I need to punish you. I promise to share my mistakes with you, and to let you learn from them. I also promise to step back and let you make your own mistakes. I promise to always defend you, and I promise to make you take responsibility when you are wrong. I promise to protect you from as much as I can. And I promise to be there to comfort you when I could not protect you. I promise to let you climb trees, and play in mud, and be a kid. I promise to not burden you with mine and you're fathers responsibilities. I promise to let you blow you're first pay cheque, but also teach you to save money, and be responsible. I promise that no matter how awkward it may be, I will talk to you about sex, drugs, and alcohol. I promise to always have a open mind about any questions or opinions you may have. I promise to help you be safe with all of the above.

I promise to teach you kindness, love, respect to other human beings and animals. I promise to teach you to be passionate about what you care about. I promise to teach you about your family and where you come from. I promise to support you in anything you may do in life, as well as wherever you may go.

Most of all, I promise that I will forget all of these things at one point or another. But I promise it wont take long for me to remember. I promise that I will never have all the answers, and I won't always know exactly what to do, but I promise to always try.  I promise that I will lose my temper, and patience, but I will always let you know how much I love you, and how proud I am of you, no matter what. I promise to never be you're friend, but to always be your mother. Forever.

My eternal love,
Your mommy.

Nothing to do with being a mom

People always ask me why I don't have friends. You see, I do have friends. Just because you see me posting pictures on a Friday night of being home with my daughter doesnt mean I dont have friends. I have lots of friends. Just because I'd rather spend a night at home with my boyfriend and baby doesnt mean I dont talk to people or see people. Although I think I know where this is coming from, so I'm going to clear it up.

I don't interact with people the way others do. I infact often do my best to avoid people who I'm not close with. I don't often use facebook to talk to my few friends, I have a phone and I use it. I'm the last person to go out of my way and text someone though, I never call, I never make plans with someone. I put very little effort into getting to know anyone new really. This doesnt mean I'm unfriendly. I can be a very friendly person and if you take the time to talk to me, I'll be as pleasant as anyone. Does this mean I want to make friends with you? Probably not. If I'm not going out of my way to contact you there is more than likely a reason.

First, just so it doesnt seem like I think I'm so amazing and everyone else sucks, I'll give you some insight to me.

People have a tendency to think that I think I'm so freaking awesome. Well, I won't lie, I do think I'm pretty great. I like how I look, how I dress, talk, etc. Does this mean I think I'm better then everyone? Absolutely not. I don't think I'm better then ANYONE actually. I don't think anyone is better then me either. I think everyone is equal. This may be hard to understand since I just wrote a paragraph saying I don't talk to new people for a reason, but trust me, in a minute you'll get it.

When I meet people bad things tend to happen haha, I get all nervous and excited and I act weird. I think I've previously posted something along these lines. So this being said, not a whole lot of people like me at first. I'm a love me or hate me kind of person. No one has ever said "shes okay" about me. I get moody and bitchy and annoying and everything else. It just happens. And honestly, I'm not willing to change that cause its part of me. And I like me. Next, I have a tendency to "out do" people. Don't misunderstand. I don't mean I purposely go out of my way to make sure I'm better then everyone else. I just prefer things a certain way. I wear brand name shoes because they make my feet feel nice. If you wear walmart ones then thats great because its your choice. I don't wear make up, not my because I think I'm prettier then everyone, but because I don't like the way woman are treated when they either do or dont wear it. Things like this make people label me as a bitch. Often they are right. I can be the biggest bitch you will ever meet. But mostly because I will put you in your place if it means standing up for what I believe in. I don't let people walk all over me. And if you give me a reason to not like you, you will KNOW I don't like you.


Do I sound like a bitter lonely person yet? Nah. Theres few people I don't like, fewer people I hate. I just would rather avoid certain situations. Infact, I think everyone else is just as bitter and lonely as I seem to be.

I may be awkward and annoying and loud and bitchy. But who isnt at times? I can admit my faults. But how many people are going to read this and go "I do these things too". I guarantee not many.  And while I have a million reasons for someone to not like me, that has nothing to do with why I don't go out of my way to make friends. Heres the reason.

People like to talk to me. Oh poor me right? Someones actually trying to talk to me and make friends, life is hard. Nope. I don't mean they say "hey there how are you doin?" I mean they really really talk. They talk about bad things that have happened in their life. They talk about what they are stressing over that week. They tell me whats going on in their relationship. I mean deep personal things. Which is fine, I'm always willing to help anyone, and if you want to talk then I'll listen. The part that gets me is while these people are talking about all these things, they are also talking about people. Their family, their friends, their significant others. And it's never good things. I've never heard someone say "oh I cant wait for you to meet my best friend. They are so funny." I've heard things like "I guess youll like my best friend. She changes her personality so people always like her. She's so two faced." Or something like " My sister is coming to town. I hate when she does, she always needs to attention to always be on her."

I hate when people tell me things like this. First, it ruins my chance to get to know someone, and second, it ruins my chance to get to know you. Do you really think as your telling me these things I'm thinking "oh this person sounds awful."? Cause I'm not. What I'm thinking is "why the hell is this person talking shit about someone behind their back when they call them their best friend?" I'm not stupid. If your going to say these things about someone your "so close with" then why wouldnt I think that youre not going to talk about me too? And why would I chose to get close to someone who I know is going to sit and talk shit about me ? Doesn't appeal to me. I think Ive met maybe two people in my life who don't talk bad about their loved ones. And thats pathetic. I'm not trying to act like I'm so high and mighty because I'm guilty of it too. Thing is, when I do it, I only ever say things that I have outright said to the person I'm talking about. Does that make it better? No. But atleast I'm not being two faced. Maybe this is harsh. But really, I don't care.  I choose not to get close to people because I choose not to give people reasons to talk bad about me. I choose not to talk to people because I don't want my words twisted to make me sound awful. I choose not to get to know people because I don't want to know people that I have something bad to say about. Does this make me a bad person? I'm sure alot of people are going to call me a bitch for this. As always. But honestly, thats fine. Because I know that I have friends who don't talk about me, and never give me a reason to talk about them.

Maybe this sounds like I've been hurt, maybe it makes me sound like a coward. I know that I can meet people who are good people, I just have to get out there and take a chance, but really, I'm 21 years old, and I have a baby. Lots of people have kids and still go out, but I would rather spend my time with my daughter. I always see people looking for babysitters so they can go out. I don't want to. I like being with her. And when I do need a break, I want to be alone then go out with someone. I want to relax and do nothing. I prefer to be alone. I do go out with friends, just not as often as other people. I don't want to meet people to go the bar with. I don't want to spend my weekends away from Kevin and Loganne. I like my life as it is. So why change it?

So, there it is. My extremely long rant about why I choose to be by myself most of  the time. Maybe I'll end up alone because of it, maybe I won't. But either way, I'm happy with the few I have that I love and know will always be honest with me. 

I forgot I had this.

Loganne is now nine and a half months old. Crazy. Shes walking with help, crawling everywhere and even says a few words. (no, woof, moma and dadda) She's got such a big personality. She's always laughing and babbling and of course, getting into trouble. She definatly keeps me busy haha. Looking back two years ago I never would of thought I'd be this woman. But wouldn't ya know it, I love being a stay at home mom. I love playing with my baby all day and cleaning the house when she naps. I love watching her learn and discover. I love her hugs and kisses and every part of my day. I never thought I'd be the person to stay home on a friday night and get excited over a new vacuum, but I am. Thats me. And truthfully, I love this life. I love being this person. I am so much happier now then when I was out partying with my friends all the time.

That being said, nothing about my life is easy anymore. I don't sleep at night, or during the day. I worry about money and bills. I work hard at my relationship with kevin, I worry about Logannes saftey and happyness and of course, I worry about my ability to be the mom she needs. It's easy to fall in-love and get pregnant. Its hard to keep that love alive while raising a child. I''ve never kept it a secret that Loganne was a suprise. And while I would'nt change a thing about my life, I've always wondered why people choose this path at such a young age? Let me just say that when I say I always wondered, I mean for years before I got pregnant to right now.

As selfish as it sounds, before I had Loganne I had a don't care kind of attitude. Not my life? Not my problem. Now that I am a mother I have a totally different outlook. Not only do I care about the wellbeing of my daughter, but I care about everyone elses children too. Along with all their parents. I want the best for everyone and anyone. And knowing how hard it gets to accomplish things after you have become a parent, it bothers me when people make this choice.

Let me explain.

Last time I wrote this, I was living with my mother, my two brothers, Kevin, Loganne, four dogs and two cats. chaos right? Absolutly. Needless to say we wanted our own place and fast. The original reason for us to be there was to save money to buy a house. Did that work out? Not exactly. We now rent a main floor of a house.Which makes saving for a house much much harder. Kevin will be attenting school full time come september, which will make it even harder. He will be in school four years, after that we need to save for a down payment, get approved...well. you all know how buying a house goes. My guess is within ten to fifteen years if we are lucky, we will be able to purchase our first home. In a perfect world Loganne would grow up in one home, go to school with the same kids from kindergarden to graduation, have a nice yard to play in, and not have to worry about losing her friends because she has to move from home to home. In a more perfect world, Loganne would have been born after me and kevin had our educations, owned a home, owned two cars, and were fully prepared to give her everything I just described. Why plan to get pregnant if you cant give your child everything they deserve? If you already have a kid that one thing. But tot have your first when you arent where you should be is another. It doesnt make sense to me. I'm probably gonna get alot of hate for this one, but has anyone ever gotten anywhere by tip toeing around subjects? I'd rather say what I think and be admired for standing up for what I believe in.