I have two babies.

Tuesday, April 2nd I was excited. I had found a website filled with blogs of home birth moms. I found myself crying through every post. I was so excited to have a home birth. To hold my baby. To kiss my baby. To introduce Loganne to her new sibling  I was excited to watch my stomach grow. To feel the kicks and hiccups  I was so excited to experience the love and joy that comes with a new baby. I so desperately wanted to see that first smile. hear that first giggle. teach that first word. I so desperately wanted my baby. I so desperately want my new baby. I was standing in my spare room, my babies room, for over two hours that day. I was picturing where the crib would go, what colour the walls would be. I was picturing me holding my baby in the middle of the night. I pictured the toys, and the pictures. I pictured Kevin reading to the baby, as he so often does with Loganne. I could see my baby in that room. I could hear the laughter, I could see the smiles. I could feel the love. Again, I cried because I was just. that. happy.

That night I was putting Loganne in the bath, I went pee first and noticed something I didn't want to see. I was bleeding. I called health link, and was told to go to bed. I knew this wasnt good, but I somehow convinced myself that it was okay. Alot of women spot early in their pregnancies. God wouldn't do this to me. I love this baby to much for it to be taken from me. I spent my night with my hand on my stomache. I was sure it was okay. How could my baby not be okay? I was doing everything right. I was taking my vitamins. I was staying active. I was eating right, hell, I was doing really good with quitting smoking. I did it all right. There was no reason for my baby to die. There was no reason for such a innocent life, that was loved so much, to end. I was sure of it. I was absolutely convinced that my baby was okay.

I woke up on Wednesday, April 3rd. I had made kevin stay home from school that day, just incase. I went to the bathroom to see more blood, except I wasn't spotting. I was bleeding alot. Alot. Alot. Alot. Again, I called health link, then my midwife, and was told to go to emergency. Loganne had gone to my moms, so Kevin and I left immediately  Over and over I had to explain what was happening, I had to say "I'm pregnant and bleeding", though in my mind I knew I was no longer pregnant. I had to explain to a million people. I had to relive it over and over. I had to hear over and over "sometimes this happens. everything might be okay." I wanted to hear "you can go home now, theres nothing left to do" I didn't want to hold on anymore, I knew there was no life left. I didn't want to keep hearing "maybe" or "some women do this, and have their babies." I didn't want to hear about other women having their babies. I wanted my baby. I was at the hospital from 10 am till 2 pm. I had two ultrasounds. There was no baby. The doctor who told me said "It's sucky news to hear" Which is the most insensitive way to tell someone. "its sucky" , really? Thanks for your compassion.


So. Now what? Now the "supportive" words continue.

"Maybe it's for the best." Excuse me? Maybe it's for the best? Now I know as well as everyone else that what people mean by this, is maybe there was something "wrong" with my baby. As if that makes it any better. Who are you to tell me that it's for the best that my BABY DIED? Do you think it would matter to me if my baby had one arm? Or if my baby had down syndrom? Would that make me love my baby any less? Absolutely not. It was my baby. I loved my baby. Who are you to tell me it's for the best that my baby died.

"It's better it happened early on." Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know there was a good time for this to happen. I didn't know I shouldn't love my baby, incase this happened. I didn't know I wasnt allowed ot get attached. I had no idea that having this happen early on, means I should hurt less.

"You will have a baby when the time is right" Again, I didn't know that this was the time for me to lose my baby. For me, this was the time to have a baby. Not the time for it to die.

"This is why you should wait to tell people." WHAT?! So hold on. I'm supposed to be excited alone. Then suffer alone? I don't get support? I don't get to share my experience? My babies death is supposed to be kept a secret, as if it doesnt matter? I wasn't supposed to admit that there was a life? I had no clue. Honestly, if I ever get pregnant again, I will tell everyone early on, I will share all of it. I won't change anything.

"Well, you can try again." Oh okay. Thanks. Now I know I can replace that baby, with a new one. Awesome.

"It will get better with time." No really? Okay. So what about now? No really. I honestly want to know what to do right now.

 Maybe I don't want to hear these things. Maybe I don't want anyone to make it better, or tell me their thoughts. Maybe I want to hear "I'm so sorry, I'm here if you need me." And thats all. Thats enough. I don't want anyone to fix it. I don't want anyone to tell me that it will get better, or how I will feel later. I don't want anyone to tell me how to look at it. I want to hear that someone is there for me, and that is all. No more.


What do I do now? I really don't know. I don't know what I did two days ago. Was I playing with Loganne? Should I do the dishes right now? What time of day did I shower? What did I watch on t.v.? Fuck. What did I do at all ? How did I fill my day? What do I do?

I'll tell you what I do now. I sit on my couch, and I watch Loganne play. I picture a baby playing with her. I walk down my hallway, and I pass that room that my baby would sleep in. I think. All day I think. I get those moments, when Loganne makes me laugh, and then I go to the bathroom and it's there. The evidence of a miscarriage. I try to eat, and I remember I'm not eating for two. I look in my cupboard, and I see my prenatal vitamins that I don't need to take anymore. It's everywhere. There's a stroller in my dining room, that my baby would of sat in. Theres pepsi, that helps with pregnancy headaches. At night, I think about how my baby was conceived in that room. And how thats where I had to lay, and wait for my baby to die. Theres nothing I can do anymore, that doesnt make me think about how lost I feel. How confused I am. How I'm empty now. This is going to follow me, I'll get to go through mothers day, I'll get to my due date, I'll go through christmas without my baby. When I get pregnant again, my doctor will ask how many pregnancies I've had before. When I try to name a baby, if I ever choose to get pregnant again, I'll struggle on whether or not to use the names I had picked for this one. I'll always wonder why one, or two of my kids made it, and this one didn't. I'll never know if this baby was unhealthy, or if I bumped into that counter a little to hard. I'll never know if my baby had a heart defect, or if I just didn't eat well enough. I can hear over and over "Sometimes this just happens. It's a part of life." But that's not going to make a difference for me right now.

I havent answered my phone. Or texts. I havnt' looked on facebook, or instagram. I haven't looked at anything. Because thats where the babies are. Everyone I know who's pregnant. Or who just had a baby. Who's baby just took their first steps. I don't want to see it right now. But I haven't talked to anyone because they shouldn't feel guilty that their baby is there, they shouldnt have to feel like they need to tiptoe around me.  I want everyone to hold their kids a little tighter, to kiss their babies a little more. I just don't want to see it right now.

Theres no way I can ever explain how much this hurts. I pray to god that one day doctors can find out why this happens, and stop it. I pray that no one I know ever had to feel this hurt. And I pray that  I can get through this. That I can heal, and learn to laugh again, and smile again. That one day I can be okay with this. But right now, I just want to cry.



And by the way, everyone who's asking how I'm doing. Kevin lost his baby too. Kevin is hurting too. It's not just me who is suffering, he loved that baby too. He kissed my belly goodnight. He told that baby he loved him or her. He was excited. Don't look past him and his hurt. It's not just me.  He needs to hear that someone is there, just as much as I do. It wasnt just my baby. It was our baby.